Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
