your thong is hanging out like whoa
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
