mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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