just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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