dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
