He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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