I wish I could punch you in the face.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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