I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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