First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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