It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
