I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
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