she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
