I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
