I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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