I can't breathe out the right side of my face
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
