Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
