when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
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