Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
