i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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