so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
