i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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