Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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