Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
