literally had 100 drinks last night.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
