party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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