I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
