I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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