I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
