Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
