I'm going to jail i love you
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
