Can i not drive my cunt home
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
