I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
