I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
