On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
