wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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