You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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