I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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