im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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