Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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