Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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