I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
