I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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