just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
