Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize