Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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