At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
