I think my fart just growled at me.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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