I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
