and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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