Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
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