I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Randomize
