FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I AM VODKA MAN
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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