I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
