You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
