I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
third nipple confirmed
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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