i barfeds in our rink
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
