I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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