I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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