dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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