We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize