WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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