I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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