question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
