I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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