someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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