sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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